I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.