You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You Might Also Like
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”