I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.