You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT