(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
You Might Also Like
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.