Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need