When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
how to exercise your calf muscles
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
it must be school picture day