She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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At least try to make it slightly believable
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
All generalizations are stupid.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please