Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Just a bush.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*