One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
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Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.