I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
That’s no pocket rocket.
Oh hi lol
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet