New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
💯😂
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?