Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?