My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.