If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.