MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one