The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
*Inspirational Tweets*
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target