Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
m’lady
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.