Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
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As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Rambo Rambow
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.