I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.