I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?