I hate my earbuds.
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.