Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
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“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions