First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.