I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.