Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx