I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Taliband
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.