My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
You Might Also Like
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you