SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“you changed” bro i was 15
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?