People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
You Might Also Like
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”