Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
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I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
some Old Testament wisdom
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”