[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
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me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’