[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Natural selection at its finest
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.