friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses