Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
that de-escalated quickly
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?