Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
where do you see yourself in five years?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?