*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.