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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else