I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
This is my favorite one of these!