You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Hit me in the face with a bird
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.