“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see