*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Great Canadian literature.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Why is no one talking about this?!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.