Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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I’m not wrong
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe