*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
how to have an accident 101
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands