If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
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I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
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