My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.