Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.