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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Goat cheese is for herders.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.