I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You Might Also Like
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Baller is short for ballerina
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.