it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
How I’d get arrested…
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
calling in to work dehydrated
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.